Kids
by rese
Summary: When losses won’t give way to gains, who can you turn to? [Amy,Laurie,Jo Jo,Fritz]
1. Chapter 1

**Kids**

By rese

Summary: When losses won't give way to gains, who can you turn to?

Disclaimer: We should all know by now that Louisa M. Alcott owns Little Women.

A/N: Inspired by RueRoyale's _All Our Yesterdays_. Ok, so I didn't get to finish reading it, but the part where Amy doesn't want to have kids and Laurie does drives this story. Probably going to be written along the same vein as PL. Maybe. I'm pretty naïve about pregnancy, having never experienced it so if stuff is wrong or offensive I apologise. It's only LW fanfic so don't get your knickers in a not.

…

Amy stared at her belly, or rather the flat surface which had replaced the beautiful bump her husband had rubbed so adoringly. She watched as her own hand touched her skin, feeling at first the vile distaste for the appearance before she forced the torturous melancholy.

She had lost her baby. She wasn't _strong_ enough and she hated herself for it. Hated that she could not sustain the life that had grown within her for nine months and she had pushed, burst and squeezed out of her.

It wasn't fair. It wasn't right. She wished it never happened.

Amy sat down, eyes unfocused as the desperate emotions coursed through her mind. She had loved her daughter. Loved her with all her heart and it was so cruel of God to take her away after she'd shared her love with him as well. And Laurie! Blessed Laurie, he'd cared just as much and she'd failed, hurt him too with her weakness.

It had been a year and she was still lost in the thickness of lost. But she knew it would pass soon if she could just forget. Or was it remember to move on?

…

"It hurts so much, Jo" he had whispered, not three days after Amy gave birth. The child was not expected to outlast the week let alone the month. His daughter would never see her first birthday. His daughter might never see.

She had cried with him, rocking him like a mother, grieving before it was time.

"Oh, Laurie, I'm so sorry," said Jo, a little more colourfully than the last time he heard her say it, surprising him out of his reverie.

"Jo," he reminded gently and she quickly shut her mouth, moving to embrace him in greeting. It was the only thing Amy would say to him and Jo having picked up the habit from Jo early in the birth. He never wanted to hear that sentence again.

"I know, I know, but if you didn't leave all this rubbish about I wouldn't have tripped over and then tripped up!" Jo lectured, frowning at the messy piles about the study. Laurie had told his friend about her sister's decline and Jo had immediately taken arms, ready to clean, soothe and cheer for the Laurences. Even if her husband had been a little inconvenienced by the short trip to see his wife.

"Yes, well, genius does burn, Jo, as you should know." Laurie grinned lopsidedly as his sister-in-law rushed about madly trying to collect the cleaning.

"Oh don't talk to me of that! You know I've given up 'scribbling' for quite some time. It was driving me well mad; I can only seem to write for one theme." And from the slight quiver in Jo's lips, Laurie was certain the theme wasn't pleasant.

"Well," said Laurie at a loss for words. He moved to sit back down, keener to watch Jo 'become industrious' as Amy once said and reacquaint himself with his dearest friends mannerisms.

Jo had lost all awkwardness in her figure and as a man, he knew well that a woman such as she should be appreciated. Of course, Jo was never known for her beauty but more her character and it was there that Laurie felt so much pride. She was the most caring, passionate and endearing woman he knew. Aside from his wife, of course he quickly added to his thoughts.

"Stop staring," Jo called, bent in half and looking the opposite way.

"How does she always know?" Laurie wondered before answering. "I was only admiring…"

A sharp glare was all he received before he was left alone again.


	2. Chapter 2

"Don't."

Laurie drew his hand away quickly, thinking that if she'd been Jo the answer would be the same. He leant away, falling back to the spot his body had grown all too accustomed to occupying on their bed. It never seemed so empty before, even while she lay there.

"I'm sorry, Laurie."

He winced and moved the hand he'd left by her closer to himself. He might have tried again if he knew of the pained tear Amy let escape despite the hollow dryness she couldn't be rid of.

"I am too." Laurie rolled to face the windows, brow creased in a sort of desperate decision. Maybe he needed to try harder, maybe she just needed to be prodded and poked out of this misery. He knew Jo helped him, maybe she could help Amy.

"I need you to tell Jo to go home tomorrow."

It was still afternoon, and the soft light that fell across the pair couldn't have contradicted the currents of emotion that attempted to be loosened.

"I thought she could help. She only means well, Amy. She _wants_ to help."

Amy frowned further, finding it ridiculous to hold the conversation facing away from each other. She'd caught him watching her sister, she'd caught him moping, and she'd caught him watching her with a look of good-bye. Even within her bubble Amy knew Jo might only cause the pain to increase, but then she would worry that it was the thoughts of a depressed woman. Deprived and destructive.

"Maybe you're right, she does miss Fritz and we need to start being a family again. Just you and I."

"Alright, Laurie."

She was tired and she just wished, as she'd found herself wishing of everything, for it to be over. How could they think so alike and be so far apart?

…

"If you're sure, Teddy." Jo took his hands, "I'm always ready to come marching for you both."

Laurie smiled in thanks and bent as she kissed him quickly goodbye, stopping only to pick up her bags before she was well out the door. He scratched his neck, walking off to some other solitary part of the house thinking that Jo couldn't wait to leave fast enough.

He wished she wouldn't make him so lonely.

…

Amy began to smile again, shortly after her husband's attentions had increased significantly and the absence of problematic relations had begun to realize within her mind. It wasn't long before she was laughing at his silly jokes and responding more than favourably to any sign of advance on Laurie's part.

She'd found the past easier and easier to put behind her, where it belonged. Each day was a chance to move on, create new things and never broach the topic which would stab at her heart when she dwelled on it, late at night or in quiet afternoons.

They sat outdoors under a huge pine tree, which Laurie adamantly told her, would throw objects at Jo and he when she was 'ill'.

"Oh?" Amy smiled, curious about the larking he'd done. "What sorts of things?"

"Pines mostly." Amy's breath caught in her throat when he flashed that special smile she saw so rarely directed at her. Jo usually received that look.

"I see." She leant beside him on the blanket, liking Laurie's appearance more and more for she'd always felt her heart catch when he eyed her a certain way. It was a pet pity of hers that she could never venture off and joke about the way Jo could and would with him. But then, she had always been a better flirt and far more sociable than her sister could ever hope to be and that soothed Amy's little worry well enough for most of the time.

"Jo would just laugh and laugh, taking sides with the tree of course." She really wished he would look away when he spoke of her sister.

"I'm sure she did."

He turned back, the blue in Amy's eyes changing his own black. "Well, my lady, how shall we spend this fine afternoon?"

"Not speaking of Jo" she was tempted to say but held her tongue, leaning in as he did, "Whatever you wish, my lord"

He smiled back, laughing a little, "Ah, see that's where you're wrong my dear, it will be whatever you wish; for I know you have me doing your bidding." If he'd been angry his eyebrow wouldn't have cocked and she wouldn't feel his breath on her face.

"I see." Her lids slid shut as she felt him move closer, thinking he intended to kiss her.

"Do you?" he grinned wickedly, pulling back.


	3. Chapter 3

"No." Amy was firm with her decision and no amount of wheedling would change her mind.

"Amy, please, love, its _children_." He'd given her a little over two years and she wouldn't allow herself to wonder if he counted.

"I know, but the answer is no. I _never_ want to experience that again." Amy let the swing of her arm suggest the ferocity of her anger, having let only a minute part enter her voice. She would be calm and decisive. Extremely decisive for it was Laurie and she could never deny him. "I want you to let me say 'no' to this one thing Laurie. This _one_ thing."

He'd dealt with her quiet anger before, but this time it was different, it was never because she took a stance. Ultimately it was her choice and if she didn't want children there was no way for him to.

"Very well." It was curt and clipped. He could hurt too.

…

Jo was swinging beside him and if he closed his eyes tightly enough he could pretend they never became the people they'd become. Jo wouldn't be married to that old fool and Amy would be content with five children, none of his own. The hand that clutched his would be the one that reared and loved for _him_.

But then Laurie would look down at the dizzy slow and speed of the ground beneath his swinging legs and Jo's brown dress and reality would hit with the nausea.

He felt Jo's head fall on his shoulder and he knew she didn't know what to say. It was well enough for he didn't want to hear it and Jo was always clumsy with words in serious situations. So he just squeezed the hand tighter and waited for her inevitable return of pressure, feeling his heart loosen in the comforting gesture.

"Thank you," he whispered hoarsely.

He could feel her sad smile against the material of his shirt.

…

"Oh!" Jo tried to smile, failing miserably as her frown merely deepened.

"So he _has_ told you," thought Amy when she saw the action that made her eldest sister mimic. "Yes, I decided to focus on my art and children are a terrible distraction from that sought of thing."

"Or a wonderful diversion," followed the bored voice of her husband. Amy knew better than to think he'd shut himself off from the world, for Jo would cast a tragic look his way and he would always, _always_ catch it.

Her sister was fidgeting hopelessly, not a meter away from Laurie's chair and Meg was on her other side, balancing one twin and watching with a mother's concerned look as her husband spun about with the other not far off.

"Well, dear, as long as your happy and healthy I really don't think it matters too much. Although I am desperate to have my own nephews and nieces to fawn over, you and Jo have it so easy." Jo had initially nodded along with Meg's speech until the end where she just patted her sister's preoccupied arm.

"Oh yes, for those boys of mine just wake, eat, learn and then sleep. Honestly, Meg!" Jo laughed and rose. Laurie quickly followed, mumbling a quick excuse for air (although Amy thought he should have had plenty for they were sitting outdoors) and jogged off behind his searching sister-in-law.

"I just hope you remember she's your sister now," said Amy quietly while Meg bent to fish out something from her bag.

…

"So, Jo, where to now?"

"Hmm?" Jo turned around with a distracted look on her face. Laurie waited patiently for his answer until he realized she hadn't heard him at all.

"Oh this is fine!" he exclaimed, raising his arms in defeat. Jo's look turned harsh at his moodiness and Laurie wondered if he'd overstepped some invisible boundary, secretly hoping it would be worth his time.

"There's no need get all huffy, Laurie. I only misheard is all; repeat it and we shall be friends." Jo felt as though she was talking to one of the littlest in her pack of boys and from his expression, Laurie seemed stumped as how to react.

"Sorry." He scuffed the grass with his foot.

Jo sighed heavily, moving over to him. "No, Teddy, I'm sorry. It's just what Meg said… and now I can't find my boys."

"What about Meg?" Laurie asked, taking Jo's hands in his. It had become a fast habit and while it troubled Jo when he first begun it, she found his hand-holding one of the most comforting gestures she'd received.

"It's… well, never mind." Jo shook her head and meant to move away but Laurie held fast.

"Please, Jo. Don't we tell each other everything?"

Jo stared up at his handsome face, missing her Beth instantly, for the gentle sister always had time for wise, calming words to give to Jo in her times of need. And as Jo felt her face heat under her brother-in-law's own gaze she was sure Beth would decipher how Jo should act.

But Beth was gone and Jo had to learn how to get by with sneaking feelings and traitorous thoughts sparked by her dearest friend all by herself.

"It's about myself and Fritz," Jo began missing Laurie's look of disgust as she sat on the ground.

"Oh?" he joined her on the manicured grass. He was definitely going to have to sit down to listen to Jo talk about _that man_.

"We…" Jo cleared her throat, playing with her pinafore whilst she waited for the courage to say it aloud. "Fritz and I may not be able to have children ourselves."

Laurie watched Jo, hoping he misheard when she spoke so quickly. But she stared so resolutely ahead and he knew she was trying not to fall apart in front of him. "Oh, Jo…" he put his hand on her shoulder, noting that for the first time in years she didn't shrug it off. "I can't imagine your pain" he wanted to say, but Laurie _did_ know and that made the moment all the more twisted for he brought his own previous confession alongside hers as his hand drifted down to her back.

He stopped it in the middle and Laurie saw Jo take a shaky breath. "Thank you." She said and Laurie gave a small, encouraging smile. Maybe in different circumstances they'd never have to cry together over spouses and lost successors. And yet as Jo's head bumped his shoulder again, Laurie hoped that maybe those circumstances weren't completely unreachable.


	4. Chapter 4

She, like he, couldn't help but noticed how well their hands fitted together.

"Jo, stop teaching my children that dreadful behaviour! It's bad enough you too still play about in that manner; don't bring it further upon my head, please." Meg led little Demi and Daisy off into the kitchen, sure to throw a few good glares over her shoulder at the two who were using their weight to balance as they leaned in the opposite direction.

Laurie laughed and stood up straight, making Jo lose her balance and fall to the ground in a loud heap.

"You big oaf, why didn't you say you were going to stop leaning!?" she asked, thumping his helping arm with a smile. Laurie hauled her back up and rubbed his arm in mock pain.

"Well I would have if I'd known you were going to _hit_ me, Jo. 'Honestly, some people never grow up'!" he imitated Meg's voice causing Jo to double over in laughter. She'd not had a good laugh in so long.

"Indeed." Amy said quietly from her corner before she nodded to the Professor who was watching Jo with tired eyes, and went outside.

…

"Amy, Amy!" Laurie panted after his wife. The woman had quite a stride! "What's wrong?" he stopped in front of her, holding her arms to halt her pace. Red-faced Amy glared at him through her blonde lashes.

"You Theodore Laurence are an incorrigible flirt! Jo's your _sister_ and you insist on playing her little fool!"

He stepped back from the woman's spit-fire anger, wondering what had changed his wife so. "I beg your pardon?"

"This is exactly what I'm talking about!" She threw her hands up, and found it hard to swallow the words she'd never say, "You both pretend to be so oblivious of the whole idea and yet you're both oblivious to the rest of us. Me, your _wife_! Her Professor!"

Laurie watched her, dumbfounded. What exactly could he say to her very real fears?

"I hate this!" She lowered her voice and stepped back too, feeling that the larger gap between them could cool her. "I despise you."

He cringed and shut his eyes against the flood of memories that came with her quiet words. He had been so passionate and so morose before she touched him with her icy finger, muddling him with calm when he should have been hot and angry with the world and with Jo. And oh, he could feel himself returning.

If Amy had stayed polite and distant both times they might never have made this mess.


	5. Chapter 5

"Jo," she'd not heard her name spoken like that in so many years.

"Teddy!" Of course it was her brother-in-law, for all his seriousness and full meanings, his voice was still smooth in tenor. "Oh what's wrong? Is it Amy?"

He sat down heavily beside her, looking intently in a manner that unnerved Jo who placed the gaze as one from his youth.

"No. I'm sure she's fine." Laurie didn't mean to sound so bitter but he was so sick and tired of acting and hoping. Everything he thought he could make work had failed and he was missing out. "I need to talk to you about something."

"Of course," Jo looked away, hoping both that he would and wouldn't broach the subject they'd been dancing around. "Help me finish the sorting and I'll listen with open ears."

Laurie nodded and began to fold; passing the clothes to Jo who would know what belonged to whom. They begun a good rhythm and not for the first time Laurie noticed how well they made a team, seeming to understand and predict each other's movements and thought. "Yes," he thought, "this is right, it's time."

He left the last shirt in his lap, taking hold of the hand Jo held out for the garment. "Jo, dear, do you remember –" Laurie's throat caught, thinking of his daughter, "do you remember Little Beth? How small she was? How red her cheeks were?"

Jo faced her dearest friend, upset that he should think she wouldn't, "Oh Teddy, how could I forget!" She left the sofa to kneel before him, grasping his arms, "Dearest Teddy, for all the short time Little Beth was here, no one could ever forget her. Is this what's troubling you?"

Laurie was touched by the concern in Jo's brown face and he smiled weakly back. "No, not quite. I – Amy doesn't – what I mean is, Jo, I want more Little Beths to be born into this world and I can't if – I can't if Amy won't."

Jo watched as he went through a torment of feelings, many of which she knew she'd felt late at night when her husband lay snoring beside her. She rubbed his hands in sympathy, "I see."

"And I so desperately want them Jo. I want to hear the sound of little booted feet clapping about on the floor. I want to rock their little bodies to sleep. I want –" Laurie stopped, feeling that ranting would do no good as it hadn't improved anything when he thought alone in his study.

"I know, Teddy." And Jo did, for all the trying, praying and hoping in the world hadn't made her with child and she had only stray boys who had already passed their firsts.

"I hoped you would, Jo," he said, not intending it to be hurtful but rather comforting for his next words would bring her that same hope. "I wanted, rather, I wish – Jo, you and I, we're very close, yes?"

"Yes." The only other person she might have considered as near was her husband.

"Jo, do you regret anything?"

She saw the way his look hung, as if she might pull apart his existence or make it new again and Jo felt her heart pull. "Oh, Teddy, what are you thinking?" She covered her face with her hands, not knowing whether to be pleased or horrified.

"Jo, I'm sorry but I have to say it. I love you, Jo. So very much." She'd never heard it said quite so avidly. "Would you, do you love me?"

He pulled her hands away and she looked up at him, thinking he'd never looked quite so pathetically at her. Jo was going to break under that look and she was starting to wonder if it would be so bad. "I do. I do! Just not – I don't think the way you want me to."

It wasn't exactly what he'd hoped for, but she didn't sound so decided so he pushed. "You've been wrong before, please, Jo, dear, will you –" he took a deep breath. She might never see him again after this. "Have a child?" She was staring at him, mouth open. "With me?"

The silence was so stifling and they both looked away, losing contact in the lull. At length, Jo stood, looking down at Laurie's lowered head, wondering just what on earth she should say. It wasn't right that she should still feel his hands on hers when they weren't there. It wasn't right that they should be having this conversation at all. It just wasn't right and Jo was pacing about, frantically trying to sort out the confusion in her head.

"Jo…" Laurie stood too, following her, trying to stop her maddened look.

"Laurie," she stopped, "I can't."

His heart caught in his chest and he thought he should die before she clarified, "I – I think, I do, I just can't hurt Fritz like this." She would defend that man till death. "We've tried, but I don't know… Teddy, what if it's me? I won't be able to – help – you, even if I wanted to."

"But do you want to?"

"Yes!" her heart cried, and deep, deep within Jo never said otherwise. It was her mind and sense of duty, the loyalty Laurie admired her so much for which contradicted, spouting her words of no and denied that she ever gave a small nod in response.

"This isn't right. God will –" but Jo never got to finish her argument as Laurie stepped all too close, trapping her hands in his and nudging Jo's head with his forehead.

"Oh, shun religion!"

If his cologne hadn't been so intoxicating or his eyes so close, Jo might have dismissed his blasphemous words and replaced them with her own pious, but as it was, Laurie's influence was at its peak and she was finally ready to succumb.

"I will."

…

_A/N: I'm so mean to everyone in this story. Oh well. Sorry about the suddenness with the accepting. If you think its way to unbelievable I promise I'll rewrite the chapter for you. Honestly, it won't be a problem and I won't be offended for sure if you think it is. I just need to know._

_Oh ps. I need to know whether to change the direction in Journey to Sensible Land or not. Please tell me? I can't decide for myself shakes head at own ineptness _


	6. Chapter 6

_A/N: so I went for the sex… I wrote it before and seeing as none of you minded the rushness of the last chappy up comes this one. Thanks for your ideas Originalbubble, you and I think alike…_

…

"I don't want to hurt you," he spoke roughly; lying on top of Jo was causing more trouble for him than he'd predicted.

"Why would you?" she smiled up at him and he felt his worry lessen. If Jo would smile at him in this position then he doubted too much could go wrong.

"Amy said it hurt. And… well – I just don't want – you know."

Jo brushed away the hair that had fallen by his eyes, "You won't. I promise." She'd done this before after all and that was part of the reason she'd agreed.

"I'm going to hold you to it Jo, dear, you do realize." Laurie shifted before he pressed his lips against hers in an electrifying start. He pushed against her, unable to stop his body from its desperate necessity to be with Jo's. The kiss deepened quickly and Jo couldn't remember anything but how it felt to have him touching almost every part of her being.

"Oh," she cried when he broke away from her mouth to move down her neck, appreciating the slender curves she had grown into. Jo felt the need begin to stir well and good below and her hands clutched at his clothed shoulders as he attempted to undo her dress. "Wait, let me."

Laurie lifted off her so that she could move her hands behind and undo the pesky buttons he cursed. The action brought Jo against him again and he kissed her, distracting her fast hands' from their activity. He finished the work himself, finding the angle afforded him an easier access and greedily removed the heavy material from her shoulders.

Jo wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him closer and closer, enjoying the sensation overload his mouth ignited. She groaned when he separated them to undo his shirt, the jacket and vest having disappeared before they lay down. He chuckled before quieting them both with another kiss.

They finished removing all outer clothes until Jo and Laurie remained covered only in the white of their undergarments. Laurie played with the lace across Jo's chest, smiling slyly at her as she breathed heavily with him, her head against the pillow. She caught his straying hand, her eyes serious before she spoke.

"You're sure?"

Laurie knew as well as she they'd gone too far to stop, but he wanted Jo to know he meant to be with her. He wanted her to know that they were doing this for all the right reasons.

"Absolutely."

…

"Should I feel different?" Jo wondered aloud, relaxing when his fingers stroked hers.

"I don't really know, Jo. I feel different, but then I don't think it's because I have life growing inside me."

She laughed at the notion, turning on the bed to face him. It was any wonder she never realized just how much Laurie meant to her, for he was her dearest friend and he'd always been there when she needed him. "Well, maybe not always," Jo amended as she thought of Beth. "What would she say?" Jo wondered as she watched the man beside her smile back, looking very much in love. "Probably 'I told you so.'"

"When do I have to leave?"

Jo blinked before she cringed and turned away. She'd forgotten that part.

"He won't return today." Laurie saw her touch her belly and he couldn't help the burning inside. He loved Jo so much he thought he might burst, but she still cared for Fritz and he recognized that in some twisted way, Jo must have tricked a small part of her mind into believing that she'd done this for _him_. Not Laurie.

"What if once wasn't enough?" He touched her arm, hoping that feeling her under his fingers would make the mood lessen. It helped and when she rolled over to smile at him Laurie felt the fire die down and another ignite lower.

"I think that was a little more than once." Jo said pointedly, blushing red with her words.

He grinned devilishly back and wriggled closer, sliding his arm around her middle to rest his hands on her back. "Really? Is that so?" and Jo laughed harder, holding his head back as he tried to rain kisses along her neck.

"What about Amy, won't she miss you?" that stopped him and Laurie suddenly felt sick as he looked down at the woman under him. Amy would already know. The instant the servants reported to her that he was absent for lunch and "gone off to who knows where up the lane" she'd know.

"No," he said honestly. Amy wouldn't _miss_ him, but she'd surely be knowingly alone.

"Well, I will." Jo quietly told him as she sat up and gently pulled them both out of bed. "You'd best go to her anyway." Laurie watched as she avoided his gaze and he thought that his wife might have said a similar thing of Jo had they been on speaking terms.

"Yes. Yes, I'm sure for the best," said Laurie under his breath as he went to dress properly, dropping Jo's hands coldly and turning his back to the bright window.

"Oh, Teddy, please." Jo caught his mood change and sat on the ground by his feet, "Don't be like this."

"Like what, Jo? Angry? Jealous? Upset?" he brushed her hands away as he finished with his laces. He'd felt all that over her before and Laurie wondered if he'd spend his whole life in that circle of love turning to misery but he was determined to make the change. "In love?" he finished his questioning and standing he roughly took Jo's hands and kissed her quickly before leaving the room.


End file.
